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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
maqui-chan
citizen-zero

So in lore, vampires have this trait that I’ve almost never seen used, and that’s the fact that vampires are OBSESSED with counting things. Like, the Count on Sesame Street was almost certainly created specifically as a vampire because of this piece of lore.

Like, I read this vampire book years and years ago that explained that a surefire way to protect yourself from vampires getting into your house was to spread a ton of seeds on your doorstep–poppy and mustard seeds were particularly recommended for the purpose. Basically, if you suspected someone to be a vampire, all you had to do was drop a sackful of seeds on the ground in front of them.

If they didn’t immediately start counting them, they were not a vampire. However, if they WERE a vampire, they’d be seized with the urge to count all the seeds and they would not budge from that spot until they knew how many seeds there were in total. The point was to keep them there until the sun came up and killed them, because if they hadn’t counted all the seeds by sunrise they wouldn’t be able to leave. Presumably you could just go about the rest of your evening as normal, though no word on whether it’s possible to make them lose count and start over.

Having remembered this piece of lore, I want fewer stories about brooding tortured Edward Cullen-esque vampires. I want to start seeing more stories about math nerd vampires.

Vampire accountants who are an honest company’s best asset and a corrupt company’s bane because they are frighteningly accurate with the accounts and will not hesitate to blow the whistle on a CEO scamming money because fuck you for making the numbers wrong.

Vampire cashiers that don’t need to look at the register screen because they already mentally calculated your total. 10-items-or-less vampires who know goddamn well you have 20 items in that basket and NO, you cannot just slip in with the rest.

Vampire math tutors who are constantly in high demand and have to hold lotteries to see who gets to be tutored by them.

MATH NERD VAMPIRES

klondikeaura

If anyone would like the term for this, it’s arithmomania.

gosshiku-hime-wa-yami-san

“But sir, he’s a vampire!!!”

“Vampire or not, he’s the best damn accountant we have here, and i’d let him drink my blood before i fire him!”

randomthingsthatilike123

“still less of a leech than Matt in legal. Fuck matt”

philosophy-and-coffee

Okay but also, vampires as drug dealers- a profession that requires extremely quick, extremely accurate counting.
“You’re 5 dollars short.”
“There’s 50,000 dollars in there at least, how the fuck did you count that fast-”
“Pay up or I will drink you like a slurpee.”

pencilias

image
insertepithethere

CONFIRMED

ruthlesslistener
lovelystimmy

when you touch a Bad Texture™ and have to scrub at ur hands until the feeling is gone

egregiousoveruseofnormalcy

When your teeth scrape against something they don’t like and your entire body tries to escape the upper atmosphere.

mapleflavoreddice

When your nails drag across an Unpleasant Thing so your arms stop working from the elbows down and your ears ring.

whyand-whynot

when something nearby makes a Bad Sound and you’re actively trying to get onto the astral plane in your corporeal form

red--opti

When the light makes something a Bad Color or the brightness feels like being punched in the optic nerve and you can feel your eyes try to turn themselves into raisins

pengiesama
siderealsandman

the biggest lie, i think, the internet perpetuates about D&D is that a skinny little twink of a bard just needs to roll a nat 20 to seduce a dragon

like a dragon…a creature with more wealth and power than any other creature on the planet…a creature who is easily an 11/10 when they deign to take humanoid form…would look at your skinny little 8 STR half-elf Bard whose own father doesn’t even love them and go…yeah I’d like to fuck that

davefunkadelic

Counterpoint, my good man:

Dragons fuck

siderealsandman

Dragons fuck, clearly, but not just any joe blow schmoe with a big Charisma stat. If I’m Joseph J Dragon sitting on a small hill of gold and jewels I’m not gonna waste my time boning every monsterfucking tiefling twink with a lyre. I would have standards.

abadmeanmess

Counter-counterpoint: dragons are SUPER horny

siderealsandman

Counter-counter-counterpoint: even if dragons are SUPER horny they’ve got better prospects than spindly little bards!!!! They could be off fucking cloud giants or beholders or planetars!!!! They could be having sex with kraken in the middle of the ocean or fire giants in the mouth of an erupting volcano! 

There is a wealth of sexual excess and opportunity available to dragons; so much that they do not need to be slumming it with an adventurer who hasn’t washed his ass in a month and a half and is probably covered in kobold blood by the time they get to the dragon’s lair! 

Seriously!!! 

I don’t care how many times you cast Charm Monster, the Elder Dragon who has probably slept with more princesses than there are princedoms is not going to bite! When you have bedded the most beautiful mortals on the Prime Material Plane on a pile of gold and jewelry you are not gonna be looking twice at any MOTHERFUCKEr who can’t at least True Polymorph to make things interesting 

ollies-outies

triple-counterpoint:

you’re right but please shut up you are actively ruining my 10 strength half-elf twink bard’s sexual prospects with this post

gothvegas

OP is right and they should say it

insufficientlykinglike

Actually… 

image

As we can see from this most excellent chart, dragons can and will fuck anything. Even humans do not compare. The only species that can match dragons for horny-ness is, in fact, nymphs. 

Therefore your twinky-ass lil bard has as good a chance as anyone. Go forth and thot your way through your DM’s carefully planned Big Bad encounter and 

fuck the dragon. 

battlecrazed-axe-mage

I’m not even sure where I stand on this argument but I absolutely need to keep that chart for reference, so

julstorres

dude all that chart is discussing is who can get who pregnant. It is not listing the tastes and preferences, as a species or as an individual. That chart doesn’t say “you have as good a chance of fucking a dragon as anyone else,” it says “if you have the opportunity to bone a dragon please think about contraception when you do so.”